Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
2005—Canada OK’s same-sex marriage; world does not end. 2004—Janet Jackson bares a nipple on TV; world nearly ends. 2003—The space shuttle Columbia disintegrates over Texas. 1974—Richard Nixon meets for twenty minutes with the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. 1968—In Saigon, AP photographer and former Marine Eddie…
2003—At the White House, George W.[MD] Bush tells Tony Blair he’s going to invade Iraq with or without WMDs, and diplomacy will have to fit around the military strategy. 1984—President Reagan alleges the U.S. has a problem with “people who are sleeping on the grates…
2005—A U.S. official reports that $9,000,000,000 is … well … sort of … missing in Iraq. 1981—An FB-111A “Aardvark” based at Pease AFB crashes near homes at Mariner’s Village, about 1.25 miles northwest of Market Square. One apartment building is destroyed; no one is injured….
2002—Qassem Suleimani, Commander of the Quds Force—who had been considering a rapprochement between Iran and the U.S.—goes ballistic after George W.[MD] Bush’s “Axis of Evil” speech. Also: Bush asks Senate Majority Leader Daschle to limit investigations into 9/11. 1991—“Our forces in the Gulf will not…
2008—In his last (yay!) State of the Union speech, George W.[MD] Bush promises his budget will keep the U.S. “on track for a surplus in 2012.” 2004—U.S. weapons inspector David Kay tells the Senate pre-war WMD intelligence was “almost all wrong.” 2003—In his State of…
2015—It snows so hard in Portsmouth that mail carriers fail to make their appointed rounds. 2008—The NSA warns that a malfunctioning, bus-size spy satellite will fall out of orbit soon. 2005—Veep Dick “Dick” Cheney wears a down parka and ski cap to an Auschwitz memorial…
2015—Two more feet of snow fall on Portsmouth. 2006—On Sunset Blvd., Joaquin Phoenix is rescued from his rolled, gas-reeking car by Werner Herzog. 2005—Gay hustler and accredited White House correspondent Jeff Gannon asks Pres. G.W.[MD] Bush how he can work with insane people like Harry…
2005—Conservative columnist Maggie Gallagher admits taking $21,500 from the government for plugging Bush Administration proposals. 2004—Senator John McCain confirms to Vermin Supreme that Karl Rove dynamited the Old Man of the Mountain “in a fit of anger” over McCain’s defeat of George W.[MD] Bush in…
2015—The winter’s first snow falls in Portsmouth. It won’t be the last. 2001—GOP hack Rich Galen reports (falsely) that outgoing Gore staffers slashed all the power cords in the Office of the Vice President. 1999—Joe DiMaggio, watching “Dateline NBC,” is disturbed to read in the…
2016—“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters,” says the Republican nominee in Sioux City, Iowa. 2001—The LA Times reports that “W” keys are missing from White House computers. It’s not true. 2000—Campaigning for President in…
2008—The Center for Public Integrity documents 935 instances of “orchestrated deception” by President George W.[MD] Bush and seven top officials leading up to the Iraq War. 1997—Lottie Williams, walking in a Tulsa park, is hit on the shoulder by a small falling chunk of a…
2018—An Australian couple finds a message in a bottle, thrown overboard by German researchers in 1886. 2001—Ignoring the jeers of 20,000 demonstrators, the New York Times “reports” George W.[MD] Bush may usher in a “new era of … social justice.” 2000—“When I was coming up,”…
2017—After D.J. Trump gives his “American Carnage” speech, George W.[MD] Bush says to Hillary Clinton, “Well, that was some weird shit.” 2009—Top Congressional Republicans gather and scheme to sabotage the administration of the newly-inaugurated President. 2009—Administering the Oath of Office to President Obama off the…
2004—Weeks after telling Chris Matthews, “we’re going to break up the giant media enterprises,” Howard Dean addresses a screaming crowd in Iowa. Video techs create a clip using sound from his mike only, which makes him sound unhinged. It is aired 633 times over the…
2018—Alleged President Donnie Trump tells the Pentagon he wants a parade just like Emmanuel Macron’s. 1990—Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is busted in a drug sting. 1983— Taking time out from dissing gays in the Dartmouth Review, Laura Ingraham pleads nolo to shoplifting. 1969—Peace talks…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.