Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Sat. February 1
2005—Canada OK’s same-sex marriage; world does not end. 2004—Janet Jackson bares a nipple on TV; world nearly ends. 2003—The space shuttle Columbia disintegrates over Texas. 1974—Richard Nixon meets for twenty…
Fri. January 31
2003—At the White House, George W.[MD] Bush tells Tony Blair he’s going to invade Iraq with or without WMDs, and diplomacy will have to fit around the military strategy. 1984—President…
Thurs. January 30
2005—A U.S. official reports that $9,000,000,000 is … well … sort of … missing in Iraq. 1981—An FB-111A “Aardvark” based at Pease AFB crashes near homes at Mariner’s Village, about…
Wed. January 29
2002—Qassem Suleimani, Commander of the Quds Force—who had been considering a rapprochement between Iran and the U.S.—goes ballistic after George W.[MD] Bush’s “Axis of Evil” speech. Also: Bush asks Senate…
Tues. January 28
2008—In his last (yay!) State of the Union speech, George W.[MD] Bush promises his budget will keep the U.S. “on track for a surplus in 2012.” 2004—U.S. weapons inspector David…
Mon. January 27
2015—It snows so hard in Portsmouth that mail carriers fail to make their appointed rounds. 2008—The NSA warns that a malfunctioning, bus-size spy satellite will fall out of orbit soon….
Sun. January 26
2015—Two more feet of snow fall on Portsmouth. 2006—On Sunset Blvd., Joaquin Phoenix is rescued from his rolled, gas-reeking car by Werner Herzog. 2005—Gay hustler and accredited White House correspondent…
Sat. January 25
2005—Conservative columnist Maggie Gallagher admits taking $21,500 from the government for plugging Bush Administration proposals. 2004—Senator John McCain confirms to Vermin Supreme that Karl Rove dynamited the Old Man of…
Fri. January 24
2015—The winter’s first snow falls in Portsmouth. It won’t be the last. 2001—GOP hack Rich Galen reports (falsely) that outgoing Gore staffers slashed all the power cords in the Office…
Thurs. January 23
2016—“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters,” says the Republican nominee in Sioux City, Iowa. 2001—The LA Times reports that…
Wed. January 22
2008—The Center for Public Integrity documents 935 instances of “orchestrated deception” by President George W.[MD] Bush and seven top officials leading up to the Iraq War. 1997—Lottie Williams, walking in…
Tues. January 21
2018—An Australian couple finds a message in a bottle, thrown overboard by German researchers in 1886. 2001—Ignoring the jeers of 20,000 demonstrators, the New York Times “reports” George W.[MD] Bush…
Mon. January 20
2017—After D.J. Trump gives his “American Carnage” speech, George W.[MD] Bush says to Hillary Clinton, “Well, that was some weird shit.” 2009—Top Congressional Republicans gather and scheme to sabotage the…
Sun. January 19
2004—Weeks after telling Chris Matthews, “we’re going to break up the giant media enterprises,” Howard Dean addresses a screaming crowd in Iowa. Video techs create a clip using sound from…
Sat. January 18
2018—Alleged President Donnie Trump tells the Pentagon he wants a parade just like Emmanuel Macron’s. 1990—Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is busted in a drug sting. 1983— Taking time out…
Fri. January 17
2014—NRA Board Member Ted Nugent, on TV, calls President Obama a “mongrel,” and says liberals should be prosecuted for treason. 2003—George W.[MD] Bush tells wounded troops at Walter Reed we…
Thurs. January 16
2018—White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson claims Donald Trump a) passed a cognitive test, and b) might live to be 200 if he had a healthier diet. 2014—Unable to acquire…
Wed. January 15
1992—George H.[H.]W. Bush, in N.H. for votes, says “[W]e are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for … don’t cry for me, Argentina.” 1989—On “Larry King Live,” guest Donald Trump asks…
Tues. January 14
2000—“This is still a dangerous world … of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses,” warns George W.[MD] Bush. 1969—After warnings from enlisted men aboard the nuke-powered U.S.S. Enterprise go…
Mon. January 13
2018—Hawaiian authorities issue an alert: “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND … SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” A retraction comes 38 minutes later. 2017—N.H. State Rep. Carolyn Halstead [R-Milford]…
Sun. January 12
1991—Congress authorizes the first Bush vs. Hussein War. 1984—Reagan Deputy Secretary of Defense W. Paul Thayer resigns after being charged with insider trading. He ends up in the can. 1971—Rev….
Sat. January 11
2018—Trump’s flunkies say they’ll deny Medicaid to the unemployed. 2008—“There will be a signed peace treaty [between Israel and the Palestinians] by the time I leave office,” says George W.[MD]…
Fri. January 10
2017—CNN reports on the Steele dossier; Buzzfeed publishes it. 2002—George W.[MD] Bush denies ever meeting Enron CEO Ken Lay, his largest campaign donor. 1992—A busted shipping container releases 28,000 floating…
Thurs. January 9
2002—Future A.G. Al Gonzales writes that parts of the Geneva Conventions are “obsolete” and “quaint.” 1980—Sixty-three participants in the 1979 seizure of the Grand Mosque at Mecca are beheaded with…
Wed. January 8
2008—Hillary Clinton narrowly wins the New Hampshire primary. 2007—The U.S.S. Newport News, submerged, collides with a Japanese oil tanker near the straits of Hormuz. 2005—The U.S.S. San Francisco, submerged, collides…
Tues. January 7
2015—Two brothers, Wahhabi extremists, kill 12 and wound 11 at Charlie Hebdo’s offices in Paris. 1999—The U.S. Senate puts President Bill Clinton on trial for lying about his canoodling with…
Mon. January 6
2006—George W.[MD] Bush OKs $20 million for a celebration of “success” in Iraq and Afghanistan. 2005—A switching error causes a 2:40 a.m. train wreck in Graniteville, S.C.; 60 tons of…
Sun. January 5
2011—Shortly after he’s sworn in, Rep. Frank Guinta [R-N.H.] assures David Koch that he’ll attend a party being held for new employees Republican Congressmen. 1970—With no word from them since…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.